When I was pregnant with Harlan, a part of me mourned every month that went by. It was to be our last. Three kids at the time, seemed like a good number. I thought for sure that if she was a girl, my feelings of wanting another baby would somehow go away.
But they didn’t.
In fact when she was born I knew for certain, I was not yet complete. Something, someone was missing.
It showed up not only deep within my soul, but in the little things.
Signing Christmas cards, and then pausing after all our names and thinking I had forgotten a name, counting heads when we are out and always feeling like I had forgotten someone. Looking in the rearview mirror and seeing all those perfect little ones, who keep me busy, and exhausted on a good day… And still I longed for just ” one ” more.
So although I didn’t feel done, my husband did.
So I let it go, let the months slip by, and to be honest after she turned a year, the ache did start to fade just a little bit.
I see why people stop. Not because it gets easier, but because it gets harder.
But it was always there. Nudging and poking, and I knew that if we didn’t, it would be something I would regret for the rest of my life.
So we had the talks, lots of them, and we decided to pray about it, and to be honest, God was quite quiet through it all. I kept waiting for this big euphoric – ’ God is speaking to me ‘ moment, but I never got it….
More time passed and finally we made a decision to go for it, one month and if it was meant to be, it would.
There you go, I was going to have my complete family, one kid for each one of our hands, we were both happy.
We weren’t planning on telling anyone right away… In a lot of ways I was scared for what people would think, 4 is definitely not for everyone.. and I was worried about how the news would blow over… We had already planned to do extended family photos, at the time I was literally, ” just” pregnant.
When I uploaded the photos I called Steve in to see… Dammit, our secret was not gonna be a secret for long –
It turns out that on baby number 4 ( ok, 4 &5 ) the moment that egg implants, you look 4 months pregnant.
It was time to share our news…
One thing that kept holding me back from just one more was the dreaded morning sickness.
Harlan’s pregnancy seriously almost took me down,
This time I came prepared with a plan. I went to the acupuncturist before, I went on herbs, I prayed, I did the whole mental thing ” you will not get sick, you will not get sick.. ”
For the first few weeks I thought it was working.
Me and Steve went away together when I was 6 weeks, for the first time in 6 years to Chicago, and I felt great.
We held hands, we ate good food, and we spent some much needed husband and wife time together.
( All Iphone photos, most not even with a filter, I do apologize in advance
I looked back on that trip in the early days after finding out and felt sick to my stomach about it.
That stupid girl didn’t know what was about to hit her.
This has always been one of my biggest life fears. Just when you think everything is honkey dorey, that’s when excuse me, Sh*$ hits the fan.
We went in for a simple dating ultrasound, I’ve had them with 2 of the others, Steve even came because it happened to land on a Saturday..
It was thanksgiving weekend, we had a slow morning, I braided Harlan’s hair, read books with the kids and we headed out..
Let’s rewind just a little bit now…
I am a girl that has never wanted twins.
Every time I’m in my last weeks of pregnancy, and when I’ve brought that new, single baby home I have thought it.
‘ Thank goodness it’s not twins.’
I ran into a friend a few days before my ultrasound, she has 4, and I told her we were expecting.
Me and her have talked before about how baby #4 cannot be baby number 4 &5, I even joked about it that day with her, pointing at my belly, ” haha! Don’t be twins!..”
I have one boob that partially works ( that’s a whole other blog post in itself ) and naively thought, ‘God would never do that to me. ‘
Around that time Dion, Harlan and I were playing when Dion spoke up out of the blue and said ” Mom, there’s two babies in your tummy..? ”
Instantly panicked I said; “No Dion, just one. ”
To which he replied, ” no there isn’t ”
We went back and forth and eventually I didn’t argue, it wasn’t 2, and oh my goodness I thought, don’t ever say that again.
Being in dentistry for 11 years, and having had multiple ultrasounds throughout all my pregnancies, I can see and read them well.
The moment she put the wand on my stomach, I saw it.
Two black spots.
I immediately asked ” it’s not twins is it ?! ”
She turned the screen away, and said no.
Sigh of relief.
She showed us a heart beat and continued on..
I actually thought she was almost done when she piped up ” So there does appear to be a flicker in here as well ”
I replied “What does that mean??!! It’s twins ???!! ”
” Yes” she said, ” It does appear to be that, yes. ”
To write about and think about that moment brings tears to my eyes and brings me back to that dark place.
I just remember looking Steve right in the eyes, and staring at him, wanting him to say something, anything. Make it better, fix it, because that’s what he always does.
He has always been the fixer, the strong piece in my life.
But at that moment, he said nothing.
I walked out of there numb, that weird out of body experience that happens, happened.
I stared at my little flimsy paper she gave me, trying to comprehend what “A” and “B ” was going to mean in our life….
To someone reading this, it may sound dramatic, had this not happened to me, I possibly would have thought the same.
But talking with other twin Mama’s, it seems like everyone has their share of scary thoughts..
It’s just that, for some reason I’ve never heard it.
These next lines are hard hard to write – – – – –
I was literally shaking for 3 days after.
Every scary story, situation I heard and I remembered about twins and pregnancy filled my thoughts.
Bed rest, incubators, tubes, all of it.
I wanted to go back to the life I thought I was gonna have before. I wanted one to go away, in fact parts of me clung to the hope that maybe one wouldn’t make it.
There were other moments where I wanted it all to go away. I had changed my mind. All I wanted was my 3. I was good with that, there was comfort in that, in the known and what I had right in front of me.
I was on auto pilot, we both were, and the kids knew it.
Dion, my little intuitive angel wisped baby just kept hugging me.
Then we had the moment, where literally, me and Steve were fetal position on the couch facing each other when he said
” What are we doing here ?! We haven’t been given a death sentence, we have been given the gift of life.”
He was right. Something in me changed slightly just then.
It was and will continue to be a journey…. Because right about the time we received the news about the twins I got terrible morning sickness.
Let’s take a moment to talk about that for a moment..
This time I was so emotionally damaged, I couldn’t tough it out or be strong like I had tried to be before. I was miserable.
For all you Mama’s out there, and you and I know who you are.
Morning sickness F’ing sucks.
I woke up literally, with the flu for 2 months straight. But there are no sick days, or stay in bed, or someone take your kids so you can get better. There is a ” suck it up buttercup ” mentality.
I called my sister one day and told her I needed her to bring me homemade chicken noodle soup.
She made it that day. She told me ” I know it’s bad, because you would and never have asked me for help. This is good for you, and your gonna need to start doing more of that.”
This much is true.
Always learning, always growing in this thing called life.
Today, at 19.5 weeks, I’m in a much better place with it all .
As I write this one kicks and the other has the hiccups.
Like my friend Kacey, a twin herself told me ” You swallowed the blue pill, you’ve been chosen to have an adventurous life.”
What I know today – –
God has blessed me beyond measure. He has chosen us to be parents to 5 children, there is no greater blessing …
As of last weekend, we know who these little people are who will complete our family.
Already, I can’t imagine one without the other.