She is one.

Here I am sitting at my computer, deleting, then typing, deleting, then typing… Because I really don’t know where to start, or how to start. So maybe I should just start from where I left off. …..

I feel like I was in a complete, infatuated,  newborn fog that lasted pretty much 4 months after Harlan was born. I really couldn’t believe that I had a daughter….
Yeah yeah yeah, I’m sure many of you are thinking ” get over it, you had a girl, whoopee doo. ”  But it’s so much more than that for me.

Rewinding a few months —
{ editors notes: I’ve questioned how much I should share publicly, with the world, on Facebook, on Instagram, or here on  my blog …. But here’s the thing –  ( love it or hate it ) This.Is.Me.  I’m a ” wear my heart on my sleeve” kinda gal. If I met you, saw you and we had this conversation, I would share the same things… I don’t know how to be any different…. }

– At 6 weeks I confided to Steve in the middle of the night that I thought something was wrong with her. She was going through a awkward stage ( all my babies have gone through it ) and in the back of my mind, still not accepting the fact that I deserved her and everything that goes along with that …. I had some pretty dark moments to say the least…My past coming to haunt me…  And many tears and prayers to God, begging him  to please make sure she was o.k.
– She’s O.K.
And after those dark moments and everything in between… I accepted,  finally, that she was mine.  She is healthy, she is my baby girl, my daughter… The one thing I never thought I would ever have..And I get to keep her, forever.

This has been a year of change and growth to say the least. With being on the cusp of my thirties, my last year in my twenties… I’ve had many moments of what I like to call: ” digging in the trenches of the soul.”  I’ve had a lot of epiphanies  and things that are finally starting to click into place. I realize that it doesn’t matter how old you get, your always ( and should be ) learning and growing and becoming better than the person you are today.  Your still figuring things and people and life out, and that’s ok.
I’m still at a place of accepting and acknowledging all these things.. It will take time, but I’m getting there….

I always wondered what it would be like to have three kids, I would ask people and no one could really give me an answer. I guess that’s because to each their own. We all have strengths and weaknesses that are different from each other. We handle the ups and downs of motherhood in our own unique way, and that’s what I love about our village of Mama’s..

Three kids.

To me — goes like this –
You will always look back to when you had one,  to when you had two, and so on and so on…  and think it was easier “then.”
Because it was. If you have one, if you have two, you know just how much time each one of those little souls requires.
Life with three is busy. When before there used to be moments to myself during the day to eat, pee, clean, etc… Those moments are gone. I’m a full on Mama all day ( and still may I add, all night. )
But let me tell you, three is my favourite.
Three feels like a flock of ducklings following behind me at all times. A plentiful of little ones I get to call mine.
Three knocked out any selfishness I had left within me and sent it flying back to my ” had no kids land. ”
Those days for us are gone.
Three has made me see the circle of life, and ” this too shall pass” kind of things you don’t always see –  especially at one, and sometimes at two.
It’s made me look at things different this time around, I’m tougher, for a better lack of a word. I actually treasure the night feeds, the changing, the little -itty – baby loveliness that chaos and love combined to make memories of those days when….

But the closing of this chapter on her first year also brings some heart wrenching bittersweet : ” this is it.” last baby kind of emotions.
I already miss being pregnant, the mystery, the wonder, the dreaming, the kicks and squirms of that little life within.
I miss the anticipation of what will life look like, because now I know exactly just what it is and what it does look like.
I’m happy and I’m blessed and I get mad at myself sometimes for not feeling content.
I thought that if maybe I had a girl the ache would go away, and it hasn’t. Which goes to show you the gender of your child does not determine if your done or not.
Because it’s still there.


I recently read :   ” The ache. ” I read it out loud to my husband and could barely make it through. Two quotes  I love from it-

“The Ache reminds me of the great and terrible beauty I have seen, of what love I have experienced, of the sorrow and brokenness of loss, of all the love that is still here, of the wonder and miracle of life, of the sweetness of co-creation, of the labour and release, of transcendence.  ”
“It’s simply the Ache of time passing, because this is what time does, and our souls are noticing the passing of a season, and it’s okay. It’s okay to let it Ache. It means we’re living and it means we’re loving our life as it stands, loving it enough to notice a transition away.”

He was silent for a few minutes after, not knowing really what to say, until he finally said ” so does this mean that no matter how many kids we have you’ll never lose ” the ache?”
– That my friends is the million dollar question. 
And, for now — I’m still learning to live with the ache. 

And my sweet honey veil…
She is one today.
I’ve been taking moments lately to reflect on this last year with her.
Me and Steve always say, ” can you imagine not ever having her?!”
We can’t.

She was our missing piece, the missing link, the thing we always knew we needed but never thought we would have.
She truly is special, and maybe everyone thinks that about their kid, but she has literally smiled since the day she was born. I remember the first night, holding her and she was smiling. Not  just gas smirks, but full on eye smiles and all.  Before we left the hospital with her a nurse stopped us and crouched down to say goodbye. She said she-  ” would like to see her again one day, there is something about her, she wasn’t like the other babies.  she was sweet and special.” 

I dream about and worry about ordinary every day things that the future holds. Things  like; her playing with her brothers, barbies, babies.  making Christmas dinner together,  pink things, dance things,  boy things, mani’s, pedi’s, braids, college or university, or neither. Engagements, marriage, the list goes on and on…

But today, the day she was born, I’m holding onto every last bit of her baby self.
Taking in this moment and what it meant and what it means.

Happy first birthday to my baby, my daughter, my gift.
My frosting, my blessing, my sweet honey veil.

3 Comments

  1. Reply

    Jen Doenz

    Michele, that was absolutely beautiful. I love how much passion and love is felt through your writing and you helped me see a new perspective on that “ache” because I too, 6 years later, still feel it, still contemplate it and am still challenged by it. You have beautiful children and you are a beautiful mama. Enjoy this special day, it’s your day too 🙂

  2. Reply

    Garcy

    I love everything you share Michele. It makes me feel close even though we’re an hour apart. I too read “The Ache” out loud to my Jonathan and could barely make it through. Tears were streaming down my face. I’m so happy little Harlan completed your family! These blog posts will be so great to look back on years from now. Harlan is so dreamy. Love her!

  3. Reply

    She is 3. » What Dreams May Become

    […] You can read more about her and what she means to me HERE […]

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *