I have been meaning to write this for a week now, but every time I go to sit down I find something else I ” haave to do “, finding ways to not “go there” in my mind yet, admit that my baby, is 1 today…
Although I feel like I have been writing this in my mind for the last year, thinking of things as they come that I want to remember, hold on to, so I never forget his precious first year of life.
I remember I would always look down at my big belly in the shower ( isn’t that where we all do our best thinking?) , dreaming of this little person I didn’t know yet, tucked away, and I would wonder who they were. How they would fit into the little family we had created, and I would worry that I wouldn’t love them the same, or as much as Levi.
How could I?
How could I possibly have that same love in me that I did for him? I couldn’t, I had known Levi longer, we had two years of bonding under us, and as much as I had tried to bond the same way to this pregnancy, it was harder. I had a toddler that took up a lot of my time and energy and unfortunately it just wasn’t the same.
I remember asking my Mother and Sister in – law about this. They assured me that I “wouldn’t have a favourite, that I would love them just the same. ” I thought, Uh – huh, sure… It’s just something parents don’t talk about or admit.
The entire pregnancy I was freaked out that Levi and the ” baby” would be born on the same day, since Levi was 2 weeks early. So there we were at our 37. 5 week check -up, and she thinks baby is breach ( same thing happened with Levi ) she examines me, and says ” ohhhh.. your very progressed, I don’t think your gonna make it to the weekend.”
And I think – WHAT!? No, no, no, you don’t understand, I have Levi’s second Birthday party that I have been planning for months – this weekend!! I have 40 people coming over, my mother and Father in- Law are away on vacation, I CANNOT have this baby over the next 5 days!!
I came home and I held Levi and I cried and told him ” I’m so sorry I am gonna mess -up your special day for the rest of your life!!” I called Lil and told her what the Doctor thought, and she said, “do you want us to come home early? I lied and told her ” No, no, no of course not.. ” But inside I was screaming, yes!! This baby is coming – I just know it!!
Steve took two days off work, I went on bed rest for the next 4 days and….
18 days later…..
At this point I felt ridiculous, but honestly, in my defence, I had every symptom imaginable. But I felt like there wasn’t any day that was o.k. because my Doctor was away for two of my last weeks, but she assured me that ” God knows the day and time this baby will be born, trust in that.”
Side note about my Doctor: She’s pretty darn special to me, not only did she deliver Levi, and be the one to finally diagnose his pyloric stenosis, but she was the one who made my Mama a believer, she was there when she took her last breath, whispering in her ears, about not being afraid. She helped my step Dad Dave after he grieved the loss of our Mom, his wife. Then walked with him through his journey of Cancer, until a year and a half preceding Mom, went to be with the Lord as well.
So you see, I really needed her to be there too..
So I made it to my 40 + week appointment, she was back, and as she is filling out paper work for my non- stress test she turns to me and says” You got to have this baby today, it’s twenty- ten, twenty-ten. ” Huh? What do you mean?” , she says it again, slower, I’m still confused, and then yet again, nope, nothin. ( If my close friends or family are reading this, they are having a chuckle because this happens all the time..)
So she writes it out:
October (10 ) 20th, of 2010, ohhhhh yes and your right, I do!!!!
She examines me, and says with a pained look on her face..” ohhh dear, yes thats why your feeling a lot of pressure, the baby is low, low, low. Your +2 station ( google it ) 5 cm dilated, this baby is ready. She gets on the phone calls the maternity ward asks if they have room for a induction ( break my water ) they say no, they’re too busy.
But she gives me a sweep, and sends me over to the hospital for my non- stress test.
I go over there along with Lil and Levi I get Mary ( A.K.A the best maternity nurse at Langley hospital ) I butter her up with my sad first labour experience, how I want it to be different this time, drug free, etc… She leaves the room then comes back and tells me she doesn’t really do deliveries anymore, but she will make a exception for me. But they don’t have time right now, so come back at 1:30.
I’m gonna have a baby today!!
We head over to the coffee shop beside the hospital and eat lunch outside in the sun, I order a egg sandwich, and a vitamin water ( egg sandwiches have never been the same for me now ) make phone calls and text messages, and tell Steve to get the heck over here.
And I’ve kept a copy of the text message I sent out, for sentimental purposes, and you can see, it was sent at 12:50 …
So we do as we’re told, head back -up, I leave Lil and Levi in the waiting room, and as I‘m walking to my room I tell her ” I think I’m having contractions?” “Ohh, o.k lets time them.” We get in the room and she starts getting it all set -up, and I think oh man, now I feel dumb, why did I tell her that, they’re not even very strong.
turns out they are 1 min apart, she asks me if I vocalize pain or keep it in, I keep it in, and oh, wow, ok, now these hurt…
Steve finally gets there, my Doctor comes in at 2, breaks my water, I jump in the shower, I tell them the baby is moving down, I get checked, I’m 8, oh my gosh, this hurts so bad! and then BAM, BAM back to back contractions I’m 10, and pushing…..
At 2:58 my little baby boy got placed on me, his body still curled up like it had been for the last 9 months, his cry was the best song I had ever heard.
I spoke softly to him, reassuring him, telling him I knew you were a boy… your just a little peanut.. And I couldn’t take my eyes off him, I took him all in, not knowing what part of him to concentrate on first. For anyone who has had a baby, you know this moment. It’s almost like a out of body experience, it’s as if time stops and your looking down at yourself from above, un-able to comprehend the miracle that just took place.
Our first night I didn’t sleep, but he did.
I just stared at him through the clear basinet from my bed, wishing him to make a squeak, anything so I could hold him. Until I couldn’t take it anymore and I brought him into bed with me. By the light of the moon, alone in my own thoughts I nursed him and cried and cried, tears of happiness rolling down my face, my heart full of love and Thankfulness.
When I look back at our first weeks all I remember is him being content, and very sleepy. Our nights were spent with me on the couch, and him right beside me, with the fire flickering behind us. ( Levi was still waking up 1 -2 x a night so Steve managed the top floor chaos, and I stayed on the main )
At our first check-up, my doctor asked how I was doing and I told her really good, ” I just cry and cry every time I look at him, I didn’t think I could love another baby this much again.” And she said; ” Well there isn’t just a certain amount of love inside of you, it doesn’t get used up, love, is love, it grows, and multiplies wherever you allow it to go ”
I think about that all the time.
And Dion, which quickly adapted to Dee dee, how he has made us a family.
With his puckered, kissable lips, and skin that looks feels, and smells like coconut butter.
His hair, eyelashes and eyebrows blonde and wispy.
And his Daddy’s blue eyes, that I never take for granted, because I know that having brown eye’s myself, those usually dominate.
He is a real home body, who likes familiarity, in people and places.
He is independent, and content.
He isn’t afraid to tell you when he isn’t happy about something, and he’s got these crazy alligator teeth that he flashes all the time.
I read my pregnancy Journal the other night and I saw I wrote this:
Dion, I Love you so much, and have from the moment I read “pregnant” that day on the test, from the first time I heard your heart beat, to the first time I saw you moving like crazy on the ultrasound, to the first time I saw your face.
I never want to wish time away, or look forward to when you are older, I just want to enjoy the ” now. ”
And I feel like this time, I have really done that, because I’m beginning to understand and know, just how fast they grow -up.
Looking forward to celebrating this weekend with family and friends, but for tonight our family of 4 is gonna celebrate with a bike ride, cake pops and Jamie Oliver Mac and Cheese ( Dee dee’s fav )
Happy First Birthday to my : Dee -Dee, Deeds, Dee, alligator, and crocodile.
The fun has just begun…..
Happy Birthday to my sweet boy, forever my baby.