Everyday I live life how you always dreamed me to..

Ok, deep breaths.
It’s been five years since my Mom passed away.  5 years, since I’ve heard her voice,  hugged her, kissed her, smelled her, ate her good home -made food. Shopped with her. Talked with her. 
5 years since I’ve even seen her face. 
Her favorite color is pink, as you can see!

I got the courage the other night to pull down a box in my closet labelled: MOMS KEEPSAKES. I haven’t had the strength to look through it since she past away, April. 21, 2006. I thought I wasn’t going to be able to do it, but I did. In that box I found; well, keepsakes. Her charm bracelet, a lock of her hair, notes she had wrote me, pictures I had drawn for her when I was younger describing A-Z ” What I love about you Mom ” and to be honest, some of it made me smile. 
At a winery in Kelowna

When I became a Mom, I felt a huge void not having her in my life.  First of all I wish I could say;” Thank-you” for: birthing me, feeding me, changing me, showing me to:  sit, crawl, stand, and walk. For discipling me, and really just for all the things I never appreciated, or understood until I became a Mom myself. I had never thought to ask her questions about her pregnancies, or things she did in her child rearing days.. BUT in this box I found letters she had wrote my aunt when she was pregnant with me, she told her stories about me crawling, how she was exhausted because I woke-up every 2 hours ( hmm.. thats’s where my kids get it from ) and how; ” She’s really a neat baby!! Great personality, always smiling, wait till you see her  Nick!!”  Plus I am forever thank-ful for the detail and effort she put into our baby books, hence why I am so crazy about “preserving the memories” for my own kids. 
11 months old snuggling with Mom 🙂

Although there were many tears shed when I opened the letter she wrote to me before she died. 
The one thing that had haunted her the most when she knew the cancer had defeated her was that she wouldn’t see her Grandbabies. She wrote ” I hope your children know their Nana” 
Well Mom, they do. Levi has a picture of her in his room and he always points to it and says ” Thats Nana, in heaven, with Jesus.”
I’m am so happy she got to experience being a Nana.

She said it was her dream come true.
 Time most certainly does NOT heal all wounds. The wounds I have may be trying to heal, but a scar will always remain. 

Because not one day has gone by where I haven’t thought of her, dreamed of the could have beens, and what ifs. And it scares me that the time since I ” last saw her ” gets longer with each passing day .

Although, I swear I feel her presence around me all the time, like she never left. And when I close my eyes  I can see her so vividly, that I  swear it was only a yesterday that I saw her.

  I remember holding her when she was sick, and in so much pain, until she finally fell asleep. I sat there and memorized everything on her, because I knew, there wasn’t much  time left.

And a few verses from a poem I wrote around her death, that I live by:

” Everyday I’ll think of you.
 Everyday I’ll live life how you always dreamed me to.”
There is so many more things I could write that I know and feel in my heart, but I know God hears, and understands all things. I may at times think its not fair, nor will I ever understand how a beautiful, healthy, strong woman, who never smoke, or drank got a rare form of cancer at the age of 52. 

I decided to blog about this today because I know many of Mom’s friends and family will see this. 
But also,  because I want to encourage everyone to never take your family, or life for granted.
Forget about the past, and think about all the things that went right, instead of wrong.
Don’t assume you or they will always be around. 
Appreciate the day, live for the moment.
 Don’t wait until your ” retired” to really start living your dreams. 
Hug, hold, love, appreciate and cherish your Mom today.
So thankful for all the things she saw me do

It’s so hard to believe our parents are both gone. All we have left, is each other .

And one last thing. 
Something I have always regretted not saying at her funeral, that gives me hope, and makes everything seem ok:
” I’ll see you in Heaven Mom ” 

Love, Michele