First born

There is something special about your ” first” born.
I remember my Mom saying this when I was younger ( I am in the baby in the family ) and I always felt a bit hurt by that statement. But now I understand exactly what she meant.
Any first’s in life; first job, car, kiss, love, or house, is special. It’s special because your feeling that experience for the first time. Everything is new, exciting, you have no expectations, because you have no idea what to expect.
And let me tell you, having this little boy is so much better than I ever imagined it could be.

At first I was so scared, I had plans, and what I thought were dreams for our little life that didn’t include kids for a while. I was only 23, I was young, or maybe I felt old, but like always,  when I look back, I realize now I was not only young in age, but in my thinking.
Once I wrapped my mind and heart around what this meant, like I do with everything when it comes to change, I embraced it whole heartedly. I remember coming home from work on a snowy  day when it was confirmed, laying on the couch and resting my hands on my belly.
I was bonded.
My baby, those little cells just starting to get all sorted out, was my Levi all along.

Fast forward 9 months…….
I have been re – living this week like it’s 2008 again. What I did on Monday ( looked after Brielle ) What I did my ” last” day before my “life changed” ( went for a big walk with Cindy and got my teeth cleaned. )
How I started having stronger contractions in the evening, I had no idea I was in labour ( he wasn’t due for another 2 weeks ), we went to Home depot, we got ice cream, and we went home, and straight to bed at 9.
A part of me was in denial.  I totally thought he was going to be late. I was comfortable, I was sleeping great, and I was also petrified of labour.
At 12 am I woke up to what I thought was my water breaking ( it wasn’t, use your imagination here )
We called Langley hospital.
And we made the long agonizing drive, the freeway was under construction, and I thought we would never get there.
But we did, I got checked I was 5 cm dilated ( Say what!?) and 100 % effaced. They gave me morphine ( which I totally regret now ) and I laboured for a bit and then it stopped. We went to bed and when I woke up it was 6 am. The doctor came in around 8:30,  broke my water and by 10:30 I was pushing.
At 12:24 in the afternoon on a beautiful Fall day Levi Thomas Craig entered the world.
I have the moment I saw him engraved in my mind, which I am sure I will remember for the rest of my life.
He had dark hair, a little scrunched face and a furrowed brow.

Time stood still at that moment.

Steve yelled out ” it’s a boy honey, it’s a boy!”
But he didn’t have to tell me, I knew in my heart all along  that he was.

But then they whisked him away from me before I could even hold him. I found out later that they thought he had breathed in fluid. He was breathing rapidly and wanted to monitor him in the nursery.
I didn’t have a great post labour experience, I didn’t get to bond with my new baby right away, and it’s something I still struggle with and wish I could change.

When I finally got to hold him sometime very late in the evening, I cried, and I just stared at him. Unable to take my eyes off of him, I had  tears streaming down my face, amazed that I, that we,  created this perfect, little human being.
And I swear, the moment that baby comes out , is  exactly who they are, and will be for the rest of their life. Not much changes, that first night we got zero sleep. When I wasn’t nursing him Steve was walking around that maternity ward with him.
And his first bath picture – that’s my boy, a whole lotta drama, grinch face and all…..

That first year was the happiest I had ever been until that point.
I understood my purpose, but most of all, I felt a love so real, that it filled every space in my heart. It nourished my soul, and showed me that I could give my children the happy childhood, that I never had.
He was such a easy going, calm baby. We could bring him anywhere, and we did.

And now that little boy, who once was my little baby,  is three years old today.

And although parts of me can’t believe it, other parts don’t remember our life with him not in it.
He is the one who  made me a Mama.

I remember telling Steve when he was just a few weeks old that I knew he had a good soul.
And I was right. That kid just really does have the sweetest, purest soul.

Steve told me a while back that I have to stop telling him he’s ” so beautiful “  and “so cute”  and “ so good”  because he is gonna get conceited. But the truth is ( he really is ) but also,   I’m worried that someone is going to take advantage of  his sweet, gentle spirit, somewhere along the way, and I would rather him have a foundation of confidence, that he can always fall back on.

And really, look at this kid

 with his olive skin, and Hazel eyes, who has the most contagious laugh.

And eye dimples that he hasn’t grown out of yet, that show -up only when he’s really happy.

So Happy Birthday my Levi.

You have grown – up so much this past year. I love who you are, and can’t wait to see who you become.

I pray God blesses you along your  journey in life,  that we raise you right,  and that  he gives us the knowledge to guide you along the way.

One last thing:
You know I love you, right?