Life and Loss

The other night started out with me reading some of my favorite blogs.
Then I stumbled across this one – And I cried my eyes out.
And then I read this one and I couldn’t imagine.
And then I thought about how much This blog’s story affected me.
And then I remembered the 20/20 special I watched the other night about  this story so I read it too.
Whew, heavy stuff.
Steve was still away so I had a good cry in my room all by myself. 
I couldn’t sleep and I knew what I needed was my babies.
I layed down next to Levi and just held him.
Then  I went into the nursery and  grabbed Dion.  I sat  in the rocking chair and I nestled his sleeping body against mine. I buried my face into his lil blonde downy hair, breathing in his familiar sweet baby smell.
And I thought about how I couldn’t imagine my life without them in it.
I kept replaying all the tragic stories over and over in my mind.
I couldn’t shake it. 
I’m the kind of person who can’t handle watching the news.
When I hear sad stories, I’m traumatized for days.
I think its because I literally put myself in those people shoes.  
What if that was me? What if that happened to us? How would I feel? What would I do?How would I cope?
It’s real life stuff that gets me, because its things that have happened to everyday normal, healthy, God – loving people, who are –
Just. Like. Me. 
Hardships don’t discriminate, they may seem like they will ” Never happen to us ” 
But I know they can. 
So I am thankful.
When I was holding my D I cried and I thought:
I will never take my healthy lil boys for granted ever again.
 I thought about my flawless pregnancies and couldn’t believe I could be so naive to what could happen.

I thought about how easily we conceived and realized how damn lucky we are.
I think about the story of  the Mom who got burned in the plane crash and I am so mad at myself for  ever feeling insecure about  my ” imperfections.”
I realized I sometimes wished Levi would stop talking so much

Needing so much of me
having so much energy. 
How I was tired of singing the  ABC’s song over and over again with him.

How the baby kept me awake at night 
and wanted to be held all the time.
And I realized from now on

I would embrace it all…

Because I know it’s how my children learn and grow.
And I guarantee any  Mother who have lost their child big or small  would wake up a million times a night, do anything to have them need all of them, just to have them alive and well.
And those who have children with special needs would  be ecstatic to have their little one talk non – stop , and to be able to run and play. 

And when I forget, and I’m frustrated

I’ll remember  this.
And this.
And know I can carry on, and be grateful. 

For Gods most precious gift :

Their Life.